Three Ways to Wake a Naruto
by minatochan2
Summary: Minato Namikaze has fought the Kyuubi and cheated death, but his hardest challenge lies in getting his son up in the morning. Crackfic. A.U. No pairings. Complete!
1. First Way

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, but I have tried to eat pencil shavings… [bad idea guys, bad idea].

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First Way: The Pleading Approach

"Yo…"

Minato couldn't help but smile at the snoring blonde in front of him. The boy had greeted him subconsciously as soon as he had walked into the room. Minato shook his head and happily spread open the curtains, allowing a ray of sunlight to escape from the outside. "Time to get up, son."

"Don't 'ant to."

The experienced hokage sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling at the corners of a pillow that covered the mess of blonde hair. A part of him wanted to kick himself for trying to reason with a semi-comatose person, but he brushed the thought aside. "It's past noon. Kaa-chan will be mad if you let your breakfast turn to ice."

"Five more minutes," the teenager yawned.

"Kaa-chan can kill the both of us in that amount of time."

"…so?" Naruto sighed sleepily into the bed sheets. The massive bowl of ramen that he was utterly obliterating seemed much more inviting than anything his mother could have ever cooked.

Minato frowned. Death threats and food were the best persuasive tactics he knew when it came to his son. Reasoning didn't seem to be working. He gently gave the pillow another tug. "Come out from under there at least."

Naruto rolled onto his side out from beneath the pillow and hauled a previously ignored blanket up above his head.

"I meant so I could see your face."

The younger blonde mumbled something incoherently. Minato leaned down closer to his son. "What?"

"I'm 'inning, tte bayo."

Minato took the bait, resting a cheek on his knuckles in amusement. "You're winning, eh? May I ask what?" He peeked over the top of the comforter, prying at the frayed edges with a finger.

"Eating competition."

The man feared to utter the next word, but it fell from his lips regardless. "Ramen?"

Naruto drooled onto the blankets. "Yeah."

_That explains it_. Minato heaved another, large sigh. This was going to be difficult….more difficult than usual anyway. He put on a determined façade and faced the boy who was still sprawled underneath the sheets. "I'll tell you what. You scratch my back. I'll scratch yours. You get up, and I'll ge—"

"Why would I wanna scratch your back?" Naruto itched his thigh at the mention of the word before rolling onto his stomach.

"You didn't let me finish," Minato continued, reminding himself to avoid figures of speech in the future. "You get up, and I'll get you ramen later. _Real_ ramen. Everyone lives to see another day. Sound like a plan?"

"This is real ramen," Naruto grumbled. He hugged the blankets closer to him.

"No. You're dreaming."

"Am not…" the blonde argued drowsily into the bed spread.

Minato's shoulders slumped in temporary defeat. He prayed that Kushina hadn't started brandishing the knife set. "Naru-chan. Please, work with me on this."

The addressed person snorted in response and turned further away from the light filtering into the area. "I don't wanna do 'omework."

The ghost of a smirk cracked over the hokage's mouth. Homework wouldn't have been in a dream about ramen. _Tell me he's finally waking up…_ The man brushed a few strands of hair from the sleeping face. "You graduated from the academy years ago. You don't have homework, remember Naru-chan?"

Another mumble came in reply. Minato turned away with a grimace and gazed out the window. The birds chirped noisily in the spring air, filling the village with blissful song. The bright sun avoided the window as a passing cloud shadowed it.

Minato glanced down to his son who was now tightly hugging his thigh. "I love you," Naruto snored with a goofy grin.

The yondaime patted his head, exhaling his despair. He lamented, "I'd love you more if you woke up, Naru-chan."

The comment must have gone over the boy's head as he simply nuzzled closer. "Everyone loses…heehee…"

Minato groaned but inquired anyway. "You won your competition?"

Naruto nodded, beaming dreamily. "Yep."

The hokage decided to continue playfully, the concept of his son in a waking state thrown out the window. "How many bowls did you eat?"

"Fifty-seven…."

"So does that mean you'll finally wake up? There must not be any ramen left." Minato was nearly begging, a hopeful but pessimistic tone hanging in his voice.

"I get unlimited ramen."

Minato wept.

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**AN**: This is a crack-fic (if you really didn't know), so I decided to play up Naruto's sleep-talking and Minato's slight fear of Kushina destroying him in the most malicious ways possible. Part one of three. Please review.

Minatochan2

Next time is the_ Second Way: The Violent Approach_


	2. Second Way

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, but I have run into walls before [I wouldn't try it if I were you. Just saying…]

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Second Way: The Violent Approach

Minato slid down the wall in distress. "Please, _please_ get up. I swear I'll do whatever you want for the rest of the week." The hokage had never bribed someone with slave labor (much less his own son), but he had already made at least ten other offers that he would have never made before this morning. His son simply twisted onto his side, hungrily smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

"Alright, Naruto. You're not leaving me many options here." Minato stood up and placed his hands firmly on his hips. "If you're not going to get up, I'm just going to have to make you." No response.

The man stomped over to the bottom of the bed, frowning sternly. "I mean it." Minato's unyielding disposition slipped to a sulk. At least he got a snore as an answer. With lightning speed, he tore off the sheet like a magician, but nothing happened, not even a shiver. The hokage scowled at the lack of success and dumped the rejected blanket on the floor.

With a newfound persistence, he snatched an ankle with two hands and attempted to haul the sixteen-year-old out of the bed. Initially, he figured it wouldn't be too hard, but when a kick landed on his cheek, he realized how wrong he had been. Minato immediately released his hold to rub his injured face, falling down on the ground with an "oomph".

" 'on't steal my ramen…" the teenager growled.

The hokage stood back up, letting his hand drop from his cheek. "This is ridiculous." Having learned that starting at the foot of the bed had been a very, _very_ bad idea, he marched to the side like a soldier to war. He nudged his son lightly with the tip of his foot and took the extra precaution of leaning his face as far away as possible. "Get. Up."

"Five more minutes."

Minato jerked a little harder with an aggravated expression. "You said that five minutes ago." His son murmured again, rolling onto his side and tossing a forgotten pillow. "Son, you're being a—" The pillow cut him off. It peeled away to reveal an even more annoyed man. "That's it!" the hokage roared, giving a hard push to his son's torso.

_Thud. _Minato paused, blinking at where his son used to be. "Ah! Naruto!" He scrambled over the bed frame. He hoped he hadn't gotten carried away and mortally wounded his only child.

On the contrary, Naruto snorted and slobbered on the laminate flooring, half of himself still on the mattress. "You have got to be kidding me." The man buried his face in a hand, peering through the slits of his fingers in distressed awe.

"Minato, what's going on up there!?"

The named person froze in panic. Kushina sounded frustrated, and if he'd discovered anything in all his years of marriage, frustrated was not good. "Nothing! Naruto just tripped! Yeah!" _That's the way to lie, Namikaze!_ He secretly applauded himself.

"Tell him that he better be awake in ten, or he'll have to learn how to eat _without_ fingers."

Minato gulped. Now he was on a time frame. The man could imagine his wife downstairs with a timer, counting the seconds while she sharpened a guillotine on the screaming heads of cabbages. He struggled to haul the boy back onto the bed, nearly falling off numerous times himself. "I—I'll tell him!" he grunted as Naruto slithered out from his grip again. He rearranged his hold and continued the brawl with his unresponsive son. _When did he gain so much weight for crying out loud!?_

Kushina's voice boomed upstairs again, slightly more chipper than the last. "I'm going to stop at the vendor to get some more eggs! We're fresh out. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Minato practically cried with joy. Some higher power must have really pitied him. "Yes, dear! Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!" The door slammed downstairs, and the hokage was finally able to plop his son back on the bed. Minato slipped off with a grateful sigh. Those sweet, little cabbages weren't victims just yet!

The man regained his balance on the ground, scratching his chin and contemplating his next move. A sinister idea entered his mind, forcing him to glance around the room. No one was there. Perhaps he could… He raised his foot and innocently kicked his son back off. Another thud.

Minato curiously peered over the blanketed furniture. The boy was curled into a ball, peacefully slumbering against the wooden panels. His father pounded his head against the mattress. How was he still asleep!? The only other alternative he could fathom was tossing the teenager down the stairs. He entertained himself with the image. Naruto would be flying through the air until…

Minato shook his head. No, that wouldn't work. He wanted a conscious Naruto, not a dead one. He whimpered into the mattress pad. "Wake up for Tou-chan…."

Naruto squirmed. "…go 'way, Iruka-sensei…"

Minato perked up at the mention of the name. Iruka was his old academy teacher. He smirked and hopped down beside the child. _Now, what did Iruka sound like? _It'd been so long that Minato was having trouble remembering. He shook his head and gently prodded Naruto's shoulder. The boy winced.

_This is going to be great_, Minato chuckled, breathing in a big, mouthful of air. A tense second of silence hung in the room before the man released it. "NARUTO, YOU BAKA! STOP FALLING ASLEEP IN MY CLASS!" he boomed in an Iruka-imitating shriek.

Minato expected the boy to wind himself tighter (possibly even wake up?), but instead, his son screamed back. "I'M NOT ASLEEP! I WAS EATING FOOD, YOU TURD!"

Minato covered a hand over his mouth to suppress his snickers. So this was how his son talked to his teachers. "Wh-why are y-you eating food in my c-class anyway!?" He hated himself for erupting into random bursts of laughter mid-sentence, but the urge was too strong.

"BECAUSE IT'S…ramennnnn." Naruto was out again, a wistful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. The father spent a moment taking in his son before gathering him in his arms.

"I know it is," he purred softly before dumping the boy onto the bed in an uncaring manner. He hiked to the other side of the room, glowering at the challenge before him. He needed a new plan.

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Fifty failed efforts later, Minato was poking his son with two, taped-together meter sticks from the safety of the floor. He rearranged his grip and prodded harder. "Naru-chan. We're under attack! There are fifty enemy nin outside!" He made a few raspy screams in a whispering tone. "They're here to steal your ramen! Are you really just going to keep sleeping!?"

A pillow landed on his head. Minato tossed it behind himself, a hoard of them growing in the doorway. He wished Kushina hadn't given him so many. The boy could chuck them just as effectively as missiles, and at the moment, Minato was huddling in the trenches.

"Get 'way from my ramen…"

The hokage continued to narrate. "There are too many of them! You have to wake up to fight them off!"

"Have to wake up," Naruto repeated.

Minato was high off of the victory. "Yes! YES! You have to!"

It was too late. Naruto was asleep again.

The man dropped the meter sticks and bashed his face against the floor. He'd already tried anything and everything to get the kid up, ranging from wafting instant ramen over his nose to hypnosis and the threat of doodling on him with sharpie. The small voodoo doll he had crafted was put in time out in the corner.

Minato lifted his head to frown resolutely. Kushina would be home any minute. There was no way he was giving up now!

He glimpsed over his shoulder at the mass of pillows. He figured it was about time for his stash to be of use.

"Pillow fight!" he bellowed, pelting his son. A detonation of white clouded the room, the harsh splats against his son's frame filling the house. Minato reached back after the initial rush to find that his ammo had already disappeared. He batted his eyes at the boy who hugged the weapons closer like they were his best friends. Minato gaped, his face finding its way back onto the floor from the setback. "Someone must've drugged him…That's the only explanation."

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**AN:** Complete and utter nonsense that I couldn't help but write. Naruto's still out cold, and Minato fears for the poor cabbages. ;O/A/O;

Thanks for all of the reviews (so soon too *huddles in corner and cries happy tears* …I love you guys. /,U,\). Part 2 of 3. Please R&R!

Next time is the _Third Way: The "I Surrender" Approach_


	3. Third Way

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto, but I have used pots and pans as stencils [many hours of fun spent that way, many].

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Third Way: The "I Surrender" Approach

"Wake up."

Another airplane glided onto Naruto's bed beside a motionless, paper tank. Minato listlessly retrieved another piece of the morning newspaper from the stack beside him, folding it carefully while he rested on his stomach. He flared up the wings and let it loose, repeating the identical phrase he had stated every time he threw one of the aircrafts.

"Wake up."

In turn, he got the same response he'd been receiving for the past five minutes: silence. If he was lucky, maybe he'd be blessed with a snore. Minato stopped his assault to stare bleakly at the miniature army surrounding his son. There had to have been at least ten different airplane models and twenty baby tanks, each of their canons carefully aimed at the door. He wondered if he had enough time to make a machine gun. _That would be pretty cool, _he thought to himself, contemplating the design with a thoughtful expression.

The hokage set aside his inner child for the moment, and with much effort, he forced himself onto his feet, slinking over to his son and face-planting onto the mattress. "Maybe Kaa-chan will give us a peaceful death, you think kiddo?" Minato turned his head to the side, gazing forlornly at the place where two bright, blue eyes should have been. Naruto hiccupped in his sleep.

"Too much dream-world ramen? Who would've guessed," his father continued drearily. The boy rejected the description but couldn't be heard through the thick quilt Minato was kind enough to replace after his failed "magic trick".

Minato eyed one of his paper creations, teasingly tapping the canon. "Don't worry, Naru-chan. We've got a whole battalion to defend us incase you run out of pillow-rockets…or perhaps you'll sleep right through your own murder." Minato tilted his head, carrying on with the one-sided dialogue he was having with his son. "I wish I could do that." Minato rotated so that he was propped up on an elbow, his vision still glued to the sleeping form. "It's pretty impressive 'datte bayo'," the man laughed and ruffled the boy's hair affectionately. In the next second, Minato's expression faltered. Jiraiya had once told him about the calm one experiences when they accept the inevitable. He wasn't actually losing it…was he?

"Oh dear," the hokage choked. He could hear the door slam closed downstairs and the shuffle of grocery bags.

"Minato! Where are you!?"

The blonde's face went pale. He shook his son's shoulders violently, sparing a look upwards to any god who could see him. "Naru-chan! Tou-chan needs you to wake up right now! He wants to live to be forty…" He glanced off to the side before adding, "at least!"

"Minato!?"

The man gave up on the younger blonde, clambering out of the room and down to the bathroom. He snapped on all of the shower nozzles to buy some time. Minato anxiously tumbled down the stairs to greet his wife. "Do you need help with those?" he gasped, his lungs refusing to take in oxygen. He wondered if it was from the sudden movement or sheer dread.

Kushina raised an eyebrow at the fidgeting man before saddling him with the heftiest bag she had in her possession. "Where's your clone?" the redhead interrogated, slipping into the kitchen with a dangerously probing countenance. Minato shuffled in after her.

"M—my clone? Oh, you mean Naruto?" Kushina watched him from underneath her thick lashes, a "get to the point" pout on her face. "H—h—he's taking a shower." Minato dropped the box he had been unpacking and swiftly swooped to pick it up, the container dancing in his trembling fingers before landing firmly on the countertop.

"Mmhm." Kushina folded her arms across her chest, leaning her hip against the fridge door. Her irises flashed with a calculating shine.

Minato blinked in panic. It had been a bad idea to lie to his wife. He just knew it! Avoiding her stare by closing his eyes and grinning, he took a few cautious steps back with his thumb thrown over his shoulder. "You know what? I'm gonna go check on him."

"You do that," the woman muttered pointedly to the ghost of a man who was long gone.

Minato darted up the steps two at a time. He clumsily skidded into his son's room, tackling the boy to the floor and tossing a crowd of paper trinkets into the air. "NARUTO! WAKE UP!" he hissed, his body shaking in terror. "PLEASE, I LIKE LIFE JUST FINE!"

Naruto's head rolled to the side limply with another snore. The hokage was about to start crying, clinging desperately to the only chance he had. His blood ran cold. That hadn't been the stairs creaking, had it?

_This is it! I'm done for!_ Minato sobbed, fighting to keep his composure.

He spent a moment fantasizing about how Kushina would end his life. _A noose perhaps, _he reasoned._ Maybe a toss off the roof. What if she just filleted me with a katon-justu and fed me to the in-laws?_ No one would ever find the evidence nor would the funeral guests even take a moment to consider that his death could possibly have been related to his son's laziness.

"…'ou-chan?"

Minato's head snapped to the shifting child in his arms who was rubbing an eye groggily. "Naru-chan?" The man's voice cracked at the sight. "SON!" Minato thrust him into a hug, squeezing the life out of the half-conscious sixteen-year-old. "I've been trying to wake you up forever, an—and I tried everything!" He chaotically pointed to the megaphone forgotten on the window sill and a clump of Kushina's hair bands that were loaded on cardboard catapults. In his tizzy, Minato flashed the survival journal he had undertaken during the arduous time span. It was already filled to "Day 53".

Naruto scratched his chest detachedly, not taking in anything his father was wildly explaining. "What's that noise?"

Minato wavered, recollecting the buzzing shower further down the hall. In the next second, the hokage had dragged his son out of the room and doused his head under the sink.

"Hey! What're you doing, tte bayo!?"

Minato floundered with the shower's switches, his back turned to the soaked, lethargic teenager. He clarified quickly, "You've just taken a shower, okay!?"

"That was the dumbest shower I've ever taken."

"Don't be smart with me." Minato frantically snatched a spare towel from the rack and scrubbed his son's hair. The mirror was fogged with steam, and faint warmth drifted in the air.

"Why did you get me wet if you're just going to dry it off?"

Minato continued his attack on the damp locks, leaving a small amount of water left. "It's all in the image. Now come on!" Naruto found himself whirled from the bathroom and tossed down the stairs (_not in a murderous way_, Minato justified).

"What time is it even?" the blonde grumbled, rubbing his sore back.

Minato was beside him in an instant, listening for the sound of his wife. "One o'clock maybe?" he answered distantly. He didn't have time for dumb questions; he was on a mission!

Naruto was on his feet immediately. All signs of sleep were wiped clean, leaving behind the remnants of a completely disordered teenager. "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP EARLIER DATTE BAYO!?"

The other blonde had snapped open his jaw to argue that he'd been trying to only to find that his audience had disappeared.

"Naruto, it's great to see you alive," Kushina greeted pleasantly, all edginess vanishing from her voice.

"NO TIME, KAA-CHAN! I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL! I KNEW HAVING A DREAM ABOUT IRUKA-SENSEI WAS A BAD OMEN!"

Minato's head popped into the kitchen at the exclamation. "Naruto, I've already told you!" the hokage began, observing the chaotic mess unfolding in front of his eyes. Naruto was stampeding in and out, back and forth across the room. "You're done wi-"

A blur of yellow hair blew by him, snatching a piece of toast and darting out of the house. "I'LL BE BACK LATER!"

Kushina stood in the entrance, yelling after the image of her son. "Naruto! What are you— aw, forget it." She turned to Minato. "What're we gonna do? People are going to think he's nuts, datte bane!" The redhead gripped long strands of her hair in between her fingers.

With a tired sigh, Minato collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table, exasperated eyes resting on an empty cup of coffee before him. "Leave 'im. He'll figure out soon enough."

"Yeah, but it's even a Saturday!" Kushina frowned and closed the door. "Shouldn't we go afte—" She dropped the end of the sentence, laughing softly at the image welcoming her.

Minato's forehead was rammed against the tabletop, sleeping peacefully despite the mess he knew his wife would find upstairs. The thought was at the back of his mind. Besides, he deserved a good rest, and God forbid anyone try to wake him up!

-End-

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**AN:** The cabbages are safe! Naruto's lost. Minato could really care less. And thus, we come full circle! Please review (*cries* th-thank you so much for leaving them, people (and anon's too!)). It means so much to me to receive them! ;U;

Minatochan2

_Moral of the story:_ If someone's asleep, just let them sleep. Really. It'll save you so much trouble from people like me.


	4. Sequel- NOT AN UPDATE!

**A.N:** Well, thank you for reading to the end of this fic, and I've decided to write a sequel that goes into more detail of chapter 2's nonsense. "War on the Waking" is underway in my profile, so feel free to check it out if you liked this type of fanfiction.

Thanks again (sorry this isn't an update or anything ;A;).

Minatochan2


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